I was going to film a video about this, but my camera on my iMac isn't working and honestly I'm not sure I could talk about this on camera.
Something happened at yoga today that has never happened to me. An all encompassing feeling of fear started bubbling up. It was surrounding me like black smoke. I almost broke down in tears. In this moment the things that were coming up were:
What if the kids don't think I'm a good mom?
What if I can't make it in Timeshare? What if I can't sell?
Does he love me? What if I'm not good enough for him?
Am I crazy? Who do I think I am for posting things online like some kind of guru?
Just WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STEPHANIE?
It was an awful deafening sound of SILENCE. Just me and my own thoughts.
Stephanie, what IF you aren't a good Mom? Then what? (Your kids won't love you and appreciate you. You won't feel GOOD ENOUGH.)
Stephanie, what IF you can't make it timeshare? Then what? (I can't provide for my children which will mean I'm not GOOD ENOUGH.)
And MAYBE he doesn't love me. So? And? (You weren't GOOD ENOUGH.)
What did all of these have in common as I was sweating in an inferno room with a bunch of other yogis? All I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and well, bawl.
They all had something in common. My ultimate fear was rising. My fear that I simply, AM NOT ENOUGH.
THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Is this rational? No. Does it make sense? Sort of. Remember when I spoke of being vulnerable and how scary it is? I'm being really vulnerable with the people around me. I'm letting it "all hang out." It's scary as FUCK. I'm terrified that with all the energy and the effort I put into this life it still WON'T BE ENOUGH.
What does that really mean? It means I'm HUMAN. God forbid I make mistakes. Where in this life did I decide being human was bad? Where in this life did someone take away my self worth, self esteem? Maybe its a fear that lies in every single one of us and it's not something that was "planted" by anyone.
Let's say I'm not enough for some reason. Let's say I failed at something because I wasn't good enough. Guess what? OH WELL. Shit happens. You live and your learn. I can't be the best at everything and the winner for all contests. It's ok to not be enough sometimes. It's ok if I try and I fail. How can we succeed or fall in love or feel accomplishment without at least trying?
At the end of the day I must remind myself,
I AM ENOUGH.
I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
Even I struggle with my limiting beliefs. And this one my friends, is a big one. I have to dig deep. I know this feeling is fleeting. But instead of burying it or blocking it I'm shouting it out loud.
I AM GOOD AND I LOVE MYSELF AND I DO MY BEST.
Repeat after me.