Fear Snuck In

I was going to film a video about this, but my camera on my iMac isn't working and honestly I'm not sure I could talk about this on camera.

It's fear.

Something happened at yoga today that has never happened to me.  An all encompassing feeling of fear started bubbling up.  It was surrounding me like black smoke.  I almost broke down in tears.  In this moment the things that were coming up were:

What if the kids don't think I'm a good mom?

What if I can't make it in Timeshare?  What if I can't sell?

Does he love me?  What if I'm not good enough for him?

Am I crazy?  Who do I think I am for posting things online like some kind of guru?

Just WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STEPHANIE?

It was an awful deafening sound of SILENCE.  Just me and my own thoughts.

Stephanie, what IF you aren't a good Mom?  Then what?  (Your kids won't love you and appreciate you.  You won't feel GOOD ENOUGH.)

Stephanie, what IF you can't make it timeshare?  Then what?  (I can't provide for my children which will mean I'm not GOOD ENOUGH.) 

And MAYBE he doesn't love me.  So?  And?  (You weren't GOOD ENOUGH.) 

What did all of these have in common as I was sweating in an inferno room with a bunch of other yogis?  All I really wanted to do was crawl into a ball and well, bawl.

They all had something in common.  My ultimate fear was rising.  My fear that I simply, AM NOT ENOUGH.  

THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  

Is this rational?  No.  Does it make sense? Sort of.  Remember when I spoke of being vulnerable and how scary it is?  I'm being really vulnerable with the people around me.  I'm letting it "all hang out."  It's scary as FUCK.  I'm terrified that with all the energy and the effort I put into this life it still WON'T BE ENOUGH.

So what?

What does that really mean?  It means I'm HUMAN.  God forbid I make mistakes.  Where in this life did I decide being human was bad?  Where in this life did someone take away my self worth, self esteem?  Maybe its a fear that lies in every single one of us and it's not something that was "planted" by anyone.

Let's say I'm not enough for some reason.  Let's say I failed at something because I wasn't good enough.  Guess what?  OH WELL.  Shit happens.  You live and your learn.  I can't be the best at everything and the winner for all contests.  It's ok to not be enough sometimes.  It's ok if I try and I fail.  How can we succeed or fall in love or feel accomplishment without at least trying?

At the end of the day I must remind myself, 

I AM ENOUGH.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

Even I struggle with my limiting beliefs.  And this one my friends, is a big one.  I have to dig deep.  I know this feeling is fleeting.  But instead of burying it or blocking it I'm shouting it out loud.

I AM GOOD AND I LOVE MYSELF AND I DO MY BEST.

Repeat after me.  

I.

AM.

ENOUGH..

I wish my loved ones and most important people read my blog.  

I wish my loved ones and most important people read my blog.  

A Bikini Once A Week

Stay focused by tracking your progress....  IN A BIKINI!!!  

From a few years back.......This is an 8 week example of clean eating and lifting.  I still ate pizza and beer once a week.  :) (But I was also told I was boring because I stopped going out with friends because I didn't want to be tempted by cocktails and bar food hahaha.) 

My goals are different now, but this just shows you its fun to track your progress with photos.  And since I live in Hawaii it may as well be in a bikini.  

Notice the biggest changes were around week 4 and 5.  Most people quit around week 3.....

8 week focused progression

8 week focused progression

Be of Service.

 

Every time I get overwhelmed, sad, or just down in this life, I reach out to help someone else in need.  

BE OF SERVICE.

The best way to overcome those feelings is to serve others.

Don't think life is going your way?  Feeling like others have "more" than you?  

This is a conversation I have to have with the kids a lot.  

"Why does so and so have a new truck?  Why do they get to go skiing every year?"  The list goes on.  

One thing I like to remind the kids is, we all have our own story and our own journey.  That's just not our story for right now and that's ok.  You are your own hero in your own tale.  

Go help someone.  Get out of your head and get into someone else's.  It's amazing what it feels like to give to someone in need.  Immediate lifter of spirits!  Do it.  I dare you!  

Recently I volunteered myself and the kids to assist with an amazing program called Skate MD.  A non profit skateboard clinic to help special needs children learn to skate.  The kids complained the entire morning leading up to it.  Rain or shine, we showed up and it was amazing.  

Well done kids.  

 

 

 

Between Two Seas

In celebration of my boy's 16th birthday I wanted to post a favorite poem of mine.  

Shared to me by my amazing blog editor, KC.  

It's for a 13 year old but I think it's fitting for all phases of young man.

Happy 16th Birthday Cole.  

Be Bold Cole.  Be Brave.  Be True.

  I love you.  

Mom

Between Two Seas.

 

The perfect age must be thirteen;

its promise crammed, future unseen.

 

No longer child, not yet a man,

between two seas, on lonely strand,

 

the wistful youth, surveys the deep 

from whence he came - an infant’s sleep

 

Happy with sweet, carefree slumber

gromming waves of childish wonder.

 

He turns to face the deeper’s still

foreboding, churning, beck and call. 

 

A waxing strength and courage now

prepare him well, the truth to show

 

when crashing waves on him will fall

to beat him back and try his all.

 

The fittest man is tried this way 

who plunges through uncertain days 

 

of teenage angst and its pressure

to seek life’s best, just like treasure.

 

Your fortune waits, thirteen year old;

the waves swell large, so now be bold.