It's that time of year which involves warming and informing about the cool and collected. Pillow fights and movie nights have turned into surfing trips and alone time. These are the days....
Cole is now 14 going on 23. Most of his "posse" is also older, some joining AARP. As a freshman at the oldest and most lenient high school in America, he DISCOVERED the two-step secret to a ridiculously high GPA: 1. Complete your assignment. 2. Turn it in some time before your sophomore year. I’m not sure what prompted this spurt of recent academic brilliance - maybe it’s his healthy island diet of bananas and beef jerky.
My Golden Boy's golden locks have now morphed into something he calls "Jew curls” - a tangled mop that makes dreadlocks look hygienic. I tried to do his hair once and the brush exploded in flames. I do believe a litter of kittens may be living behind an ear.
Cole had his first real skateboarding injury, breaking his ankle attempting a double back floppy fakey backside kick-flip. His ankle’s new shape was so amusing we almost wanted to keep it that way but he kept passing out in pain so we got a cast.
Although I miss him every day and pretty much every hour, I take comfort that, for over a year now, my young man has been getting the father time and attention he needs to become a good man himself.
Right next to Cole, emotionally, if not also physically, is this Angel Baby (emoji of an angel baby) we named Demi Lynn. She’s taken well to Maui (emoji of island and a heart) and after a full year has happily rebounded with her cousins and many friends (emoji of happy children) she knew from her younger elementary school days. She’s a 6th grader at Lahaina intermediate (emoji of school and beach) where kids take playground recess on one of America's best beaches and the crossing guards do double duty as shark patrol (emoji of shark eating child).
Based on the number of times she’s told me, “I Knooooowwwww Mom!” I concluded that she’s able to learn faster than she’s being taught. I grew concerned that she was outgrowing the education she was receiving so the principal and I met over at the shave ice shack where he works three days a week and he assured me that all the teachers either have or are working toward their GED. Unsatisfied with this assurance, we’ve turned to online schooling and googling for her edumacation.
Enrolling her in the swim team was expensive but I figured, “so is drowning and a funeral” so we did it. She loved being on the squad and won a medal for the 50 meter butterfly (emoji) all while holding her phone and texting (emoji of any kind). The Doctor (emoji of a fireman) said that the excessive use was the cause of her pediatric arthritis (emoji of old person) and encouraged us to either confiscate the phone or delete the emojis but we backed off once she threatened to call CPS. (emoji of nazis, sad face emoji) :(
In other wallet draining news her set of "California braces" were apparently not in line with the Hawaii style, (something about time zones, teeth growing in three hours later than planned) so we've opted to just have our entire paycheck sent to the ortho on Maui. Demi’s head isn’t the only body part requiring vigilance. Because she slips her slippahs to go “au naturel” as soon as my back is turned I did the practical thing and duct-taped her feet.
Sulu didn’t die. More on her next year.
Between my many trips to Maui to enforce my role as “Thug Mom" and committing random acts of commerce I crashed my black Kia Soul and replaced it with…. another black Kia Soul! RIP Shaniqua, Helllooooo LaQuisha!
Accepting a position as VP of specialty deposits means I have a fancy title and a lot of learning. (Mostly on my handicap.)
"What is it that I do," you ask? Good question!
It probably means something important. CFPB? CRM? OMG! LOL! IDK!
I said I was a "baker” and they must have misheard me. Three years later I'm still banking on the fact that I can make a killer pie!
My reality show, "The Romance" is airing every Friday and if all goes well, I should replace Omarosa as the most hated woman in reality television.
Wish me luck!
My former Husband and I (mostly me) have decided that after a lifetime of wrestling over who is boss (mostly me) it's best we work together and compromise. Who knew the key to a happy divorce was the "C" word???!!! I highly recommend forgiveness with a splash of ADHD-induced forgetfulness for a truly happy life. Some call it denial, I call it my happy place.
Ignorance truly IS bliss. (For me.)
2016 I am ready for you.
And now for the Top 10 Photos of 2015!!
If you are upset you didn't make this year's blog post, it's okay. There's always next year.
Special thanks to my editor, KC. Without him I would just be a speck of dust in the blog world.